Setting limits

This is a summary of the talk we give at schools. If you would like us to give it at yours, get in touch with us

When we talk about setting limits for children, words like forbidding, punishing or saying no often come to mind. But setting limits goes far beyond that. Setting limits is really about setting clear conditions that help children understand how the world works and what is expected of them. And that is not an obstacle to their development, but one of their main sources of security.

Limits provide structure. When a child knows what they can do, what they cannot do and what happens in each case, they adapt better to their surroundings. This predictability fosters trust, self-control, getting along with others, a sense of responsibility and, in the long run, sturdier self-esteem. It is not about control for its own sake, but about helping them learn to regulate themselves.

A very common example is screens. Simply saying “stop looking at your phone” in the middle of a conflict usually leads to frustration and resistance. On the other hand, setting a clear limit beforehand —for example: “After dinner you can use your phone for 20 minutes, and when the timer goes off we put it away”— lets the child know what will happen. If this limit is kept consistently day after day, the child learns to anticipate the end of the activity and to cope better with frustration. Here the limit is not the ban but the condition: a set time and predictable consequences.

In education, people often talk about different parenting styles. Some are very controlling but not very affectionate (authoritarian), others very affectionate but with little control (permissive), and some have neither control nor affection (neglectful). The evidence shows that the healthiest model is the one that combines high affection with clear limits, a democratic style: listening, validating emotions and, at the same time, holding to rules.

This is very clear with homework. An authoritarian approach might be to force them to do it under constant threat; a permissive approach, to let them skip it “because they're tired”. The balance would be to agree on a clear rule: “First we do homework for 30 minutes, and then you have free time”. If the child keeps to it, they get a positive consequence (play, screens, rest). If not, the consequence is clear and known in advance. In this way, homework stops being a power struggle and becomes a predictable routine.

From a behavioural point of view, children do what they do because something happens before and something happens after. What we do as adults —what we say, when we say it and how we react afterwards— directly influences behaviour. When rules change every day, or depend on how tired we are, children do not know what to expect and conflict increases.

For a rule to work, it is important to bear a few basic criteria in mind:

The limit has to be set beforehand; it cannot be improvised in the middle of a conflict.
The rule has to be realistic and achievable. We need to take the child's age into account, but also that the first few times are harder. This means the first limits should be easy to achieve, and they can be made harder later.
It has to be reinforced when it is kept (with recognition, attention or positive consequences). This point is very important and we often forget it. Respecting limits should be followed by positive consequences until the limits are understood as one's own rules, so that keeping them is satisfying in itself.
If the limit is explained (pointing out the positive consequences of tidying away toys or making the bed) and negotiated (with the adult's judgement prevailing), it is easier to respect (and will therefore be reinforced), and the child will learn to set limits for themselves.
Finally, we need to set an example, because children learn much more when they see their parents set limits for themselves and respect them. There is little point in limiting children's phone use if we adults keep checking ours during meals.

Setting limits is not about doing it perfectly or never making mistakes. It is a process, with constant adjustments. The most important thing is not to always get it right, but to be consistent, affectionate and present. Because, in the end, limits are not walls: they are guides that help children grow up with security, independence and confidence.