How can I change my child's behaviour through praise?
Attention is the most powerful reinforcement we have. Specific, immediate praise makes the behaviour we like happen again.
Behaviour that gets attention tends to increase. Often, without meaning to, we pay a lot of attention to what we do not like (“stop it!”, “I said no!”) and little to what works. Praise tips that balance the other way.
What good praise looks like
- Specific. “I like that you put your crayons away when you'd finished” teaches more than “well done”.
- Immediate. The closer to the behaviour, the better.
- Sincere and said with enthusiasm, looking at them.
- Focused on effort, not on fixed qualities: “you worked really hard at that” instead of “aren't you clever”.
- Clean. No add-ons like “about time” or “let's see if you do it every time”.
How to use it to change a behaviour
Think of the opposite of the behaviour that worries us and go out to “catch it”. If they shout, praise them when they speak in a calm voice. If they fight with their brother, praise them when they play well together.
Common questions
No, praise does not spoil children: praising for no reason does. And there is no need to keep it up at the same intensity forever; once the behaviour has become a habit, it is enough to do it now and then.
Set yourself the goal of finding three things they did well every day and telling them.