How can I help my children regulate themselves better?
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, attention and behaviour. It builds up over the years, first with an adult's help and then on their own.
Waiting their turn, finishing a task even when it is boring or calming down after being upset are all examples of self-regulation. It is one of the skills that best predicts wellbeing and school performance, and it can be practised.
First, co-regulation
Children learn to regulate themselves because someone has helped them do it first. Our calm presence when they are overwhelmed is the model they will end up internalising.
What helps
- Predictable routines. Knowing what comes next saves a lot of energy.
- Sleep, food and movement. A tired or hungry child regulates less well.
- Games with rules: musical statues, “Simon says”, board games with turns.
- Tools for calming down: breathing slowly, counting, going to a quiet corner.
- Planning out loud. “First I'll do this, then that”.
- Short waits that gradually get longer.
After a bad moment
Talk about it once they are calm: what happened, what they felt and what they could try next time.
Realistic expectations
Self-control matures slowly. A seven-year-old cannot regulate themselves like a twelve-year-old, and everyone does worse at the end of the day.
Our example, above all when we lose our own calm and get it back, is the main lesson.