How can I raise my son or daughter with a democratic parenting style?
Plenty of affection and clear rules at the same time. The democratic style is the one research links with the best outcomes, and it can be learned.
The democratic style combines two things that are sometimes presented as opposites: warmth and high expectations. It is not authoritarian, because it listens and explains; nor is it permissive, because it keeps limits in place.
Its keys
- Explicit affection. The child knows, through words and gestures, that they are loved.
- Few rules, clear and explained. The reason why matters.
- Consistent, proportionate consequences, announced in advance and applied calmly.
- Listening. Their opinion counts, even if the final decision is the adult's.
- Growing independence. Letting them choose and take on responsibilities according to their age.
What it sounds like
Instead of “because I said so”: “the screen goes off at nine because you need to sleep; you can choose whether to watch an episode or play for the last bit”. Instead of giving in to tears: “I understand you're angry, and the answer is still no”.
Common questions
Negotiating everything is not being democratic: some rules are not up for discussion, such as safety rules. And being firm is not being cold.
To get started
Choose two or three important rules, explain them at a calm moment and stick to them consistently. Agreement between the adults at home helps a great deal.