How can we make our separation less difficult for our children? (Part I)
How a separation is announced has a big influence on how children experience it. Clarity, a united front and one message repeated: it is not your fault.
A separation is a big change for the whole family. Children can adapt well, and what matters most for their adjustment is not the separation itself but how it is handled. In this first part we talk about how to explain it.
How to break the news
- Together, if possible, and once the decision is final.
- In simple words suited to their age. “We have decided that we are going to live in different houses”.
- No blame and no adult details.
- At a calm moment, with time afterwards to be with them.
What they need to hear
- That it is not their fault and that they cannot fix it.
- That you will both go on loving and caring for them.
- What will change and what will not: where they will live, who will take them to school, when they will see each of you.
Their reactions
Sadness, anger, silence, the same questions again and again, or even apparent indifference. All of them are normal. It helps to leave the door open: “you can ask me anything you like, today or another day”.
What to avoid
Giving false hopes of getting back together, asking them to choose and making them keep secrets.
In the second part we will talk about how to organise everyday life after the separation.