How can we make our separation less difficult for our children? (Part II)
After a separation, what protects children is stability, similar routines in both homes and being kept out of the adults' conflict.
In the first part we talked about how to explain the separation. In this one we focus on what comes next: life shared between two homes.
Keep them out of the conflict
This is the factor with the greatest influence on their wellbeing. It means not speaking badly of the other parent in front of them, not using them as messengers or spies, and not arguing at handovers.
Give them stability
- A visible calendar so they know where they will be each day.
- Similar basic rules in both homes: bedtimes, screens, homework.
- Their own things in each home, so they do not feel like visitors.
- Keep school, friends and activities the same whenever possible.
Handovers
Moving from one home to the other is a delicate moment. It helps if handovers are punctual, short and calm, and if children are given time to settle in without being questioned about what they have been doing.
Permission to love both parents
They need to be able to talk about the other parent and enjoy time with them without feeling they are betraying us.
Look after ourselves
An overwhelmed adult has less patience. Seeking support for ourselves, and professional help or mediation if the conflict does not ease, is also a way of looking after them.