How should we respond when our child asks us for things?
Between always saying yes and always saying no there are many possible answers. The key is to be clear, consistent and not to change our minds because of insistence.
A toy at the supermarket, five more minutes of screen time, a sleepover at a friend's house. Children ask for many things every day, and each of our answers teaches them something about how limits work.
Before answering
It helps to stop for a second and think whether the answer is yes, no or it depends. A “let me think about it” is better than a hasty no that we later turn into a yes.
If the answer is yes
Say it without adding last-minute conditions, and take the chance to recognise how they asked: “You asked me really nicely”.
If the answer is no
- Say it once, calmly, with a brief reason. No need for a lecture.
- Acknowledge the wish. “I know you'd really like it” does not mean giving in.
- Do not change your mind because they insist. If crying or repetition turns no into yes, they learn that insisting works.
- Offer alternatives when there are any. “Not today, but on Saturday, yes”.
Teach them how to ask
We can show them how: look at the other person, ask once and accept the answer. And praise them when they accept a no without a tantrum, because it is a difficult skill.