Is it helpful to try to avoid unpleasant emotions?
Running away from fear, sadness or anger brings relief in the short term, but usually makes them bigger. Learning to stay with them is a skill that can be taught.
No parent wants to see their child suffer. That is why it is so tempting to distract them when they cry, to keep them away from what scares them or to tell them “it's nothing”. The problem is that unpleasant emotions have a purpose: fear warns of danger, sadness of a loss, anger of an injustice.
What happens when we avoid them
If a child always avoids what frightens them, they never find out that they could have faced it, and the fear grows. If they learn that being sad is something to hide, they stop telling us what is going on. Avoidance brings instant relief and problems further down the line.
What we can do instead
- Name the emotion. “It looks like you're disappointed”.
- Validate it. “It's normal to feel like that when this happens”.
- Stay close without rushing to fix it.
- Remember that it passes. Emotions rise and fall, like a wave.
- Face what is frightening gradually, in small steps and with our support.
Set an example
When we say “I'm feeling nervous today, so I'm going to go for a walk”, we teach them that emotions can be felt and managed without running away from them.