What does it mean to be friends with our children?
We can be close, affectionate and trustworthy without stopping being parents. Children already have friends; what they need from us is something else.
Many families want a relationship of trust with their children and wonder whether that means being their friends. The idea comes from a good place, but it is worth qualifying.
How it is similar and how it is not
With a friend we share time, laughter and confidences. We can do that with our children too. But a friendship is a relationship between equals, and the relationship with a son or daughter is not: we are responsible for protecting them, making decisions and setting limits.
What happens if we give up our role
An adult who needs to be liked avoids saying no. The child ends up with too much power and too little security. Nor is it their place to listen to our adult worries or take our side in our relationship problems.
Closeness with authority
- Listen to what they tell you without judging straight away.
- Share time and hobbies.
- Explain the rules and negotiate what is negotiable.
- Stick to no when you need to, even if they get angry.
- Be predictable.
The best of both worlds
We can be the person they turn to when they have a problem precisely because we are not their equal: because they know we will be there, with affection and good judgement.