What is happening to our children during preadolescence?
Between nine and twelve, physical, emotional and social changes begin that herald adolescence. Understanding them helps us not to take them personally.
Preadolescence is a stage of transition. The child who used to tell us everything starts closing their bedroom door, arguing about rules and caring a great deal about what their friends think.
What changes
- Their body. The changes of puberty begin, often earlier in girls, and with them come embarrassment and comparisons.
- Their emotions. They are more intense and changeable; they go from laughter to anger in no time.
- Their thinking. They reason better, question things and spot our inconsistencies.
- Their relationships. Their peer group matters more and they want more privacy.
What they need from us
Clear limits, but negotiated ones: explaining the reasons for rules and widening their independence little by little. Respect for their privacy. Information about the changes in their body before they arrive. And availability: many important conversations come up in the car or at bedtime, when we do not force them.
What to avoid
Mocking their changes, comparing them with how they used to be, or turning every rude reply into a battle.
Even if it does not seem like it, they still need us. Only the way they need us changes.